These words to Ellen are a random collection of conversations I have had in my head with God and Ellen over the last 2 weeks. In an attempt to put this to rest and clear my head, to put things in perspective... to connect the head knowledge to the way my heart feels... broken and in fear.... never doubting God though..but unsure and distraught of HIS ways. Knowing its only good that comes from Him but yet afraid of that good not matching my hearts desire....... You get my rambling eh?
And the only way I know best is to pour out my heart to you .... my best friend....
Dearest Ellen ,
It's been a little over two weeks since you left us. And it is still so hard to say that . I kept on saying to myself that I couldn't believe that you were gone. Thursday was a hard day for all of us. Actually ,everyday has been hard. We said our goodbyes to the person you were here on earth in the morning. We were set to celebrate your life here and give thanks in the afternoon. You would have had your jaws drop if you saw how full the church was. Ellen, so many came to celebrate you . Your girls wore their best dress... I think they wore it one Christmas perhaps... And they were well behaved...
I know it doesn't matter to you now... and won't need to ask HIM why? You are in HIS arms, filling your new Home with your heart filling .. heart warming laughter.... We all still hear it.... And THE ONE gets to hear it up close now. I bet you are busy discovering this place and all it has in store for you.
Everyday for us... your closest , we are reminded of you in the smallest of ways. We look to each other to get that nod ... its okay.. we will get there.
I have been listening to a lot of music these days(Hillsongs United :Of dirt and grace)... And every time, I hear God's soft words for me... to keep and treasure ... when I am ready.
His ways are Higher.....
We are no longer slaves to fear......
Be still... and know that I am GOD......
You were ready to leave us ... but we weren't.... I promise you.. we weren't selfish to keep to here... in pain. We wanted you completely healed and well again. And we knew God would do it. Because He has done it before .... Spoken to Lazarus and Jairus daughter yet, Ellen?
I watched you shortly after you left us that Thursday ... to rise .....The Breath of God to fill your chest. I watched closely for your chest to rise... Rise .. I prayed... Rise...
There is still time....
Until the following Wednesday... 6 days after....
We celebrated you the following day at your home church... Daniel and Martyna, as per your request lead worship ... Annelies sang to your parents....we celebrated indeed with funny stories... You would have been embarrassed and blushing pink.... Your Pa and Ma , your sisters Jose and Marja heard of the ways you touched our hearts in so many ways..... We saw through them what a fun loving.... prank pulling girl you were.... We saw Rosie and Hannah in the childhood pictures that flashed across the screen.... We remembered New wine, holidays, lazy around moments we shared together. Our weddings.... the birth of our children.. their birthdays...our birthdays .... Christmas and New Year... and most Sundays.... We shared life so much at the table.... You would look to me .. asking if a particular dish was spicy or not. Remember?
Ellen, dearest, I will miss you so much....
Worry not about Martin and the girls ... we will look after them.....
Until we meet again..
Yours,
Manju
Even when it hurts : Hillsongs United (Of Dirt and Grace)
Take this fainted heart
Take these tainted hands
Wash me in your love
Come like grace again
Even when my strength is lost
I'll praise you
Even when I have no song
I'll praise you
Even when it's hard to find the words
Louder then I'll sing your praise
I will only sing your praise
Take this mountain weight
Take these ocean tears
Hold me through the trial
Come like hope again
Even when the fight seems lost
I'll praise you
Even when it hurts like hell
I'll praise you
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I'll sing your praise
I will only sing your praise
I will only sing your praise
I will only sing your praise
I will only sing your praise
You are all you are all I want
And my soul waits only for you
And I will sing till the morning has come
Coincidentally, my other best friend Tracey put up her post (Click here) this morning. Guess we were ready for the next baby step....So I came back to edit and add her post.... for you to read too.... A fitting tribute to how we feel , more stories and who Ellen is. Yes... "Is".
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